How My First Semester of College Changed Me
disclaimer: I know I say this a lot, but it is my goal to be 100% transparent with this post because I feel like I am the rawest, most authentic version of myself when I am just writing my feelings.
Here we are…the end of my first semester of college. I am finally feeling some version of relief after what felt like a never-ending race for a constant 4 months. To say this past semester has been a rollercoaster would be an understatement. My faith, friendships, and sanity were tested in ways that I would have never imagined. Along with this season of change came a lot of discovering myself as I talked about in my Life Changes post. Now that I am enjoying my month-long winter break, I have some time to reflect on exactly what this past semester has taught me and how I have changed.
I guess I should start by saying that I was not excited about school whatsoever. This may come as a surprise to those who know me as someone who is always overly excited about everything. Unlike my peers who couldn’t wait for move-in day, I was absolutely dreading it. I guess I had so much anticipation built up that this was going to be the best time of my life and that my life was about to take a full 180 in the right direction and that everything was just going to make sense. I felt so alone the fact that I was doing everything I could to force myself to look forward to this change. I felt trapped in anxiety. When the time came to move in, I cried….a lot. It was so bad that my parents told me it wasn’t too late to get our money back. Yes, that bad.
The start of college was not the glorious moment I had been dreaming of since I started the whole college search journey. Now for those who know where I go to school, it was not the fact that I was moving the short distance of 10 miles from my house. That wasn’t it at all. In fact, I was quite comfortable with that. It was the fact that I was already starting to see the reality of my college decision. The week before I moved in, I felt what I had feared I would feel: regret. I will go more into detail about this in a 2018 recap post, but basically, I was in the worst mental state I have ever been in when I made my college decision. I remember sitting at the kitchen table the night I chose my school, crying to my mom, telling her that I was going to regret sacrificing what I wanted to do for temporary comfort. But, I did it anyway and told myself that I would learn to love it.
Despite the rocky start (or before the start to be honest), I went (obviously). I sucked it up and went. I moved in, loved the first week, and made new friends. Everything seemed so natural - a feeling I never thought I would feel. As time went on, I acquired something that I had never had before - a consistent friend group. In high school, I had consistent friends, but until the second semester of senior year, I was so confused with who I wanted to be that I never felt like I fit into a “group.”
*quick shout out to my real high school friends…I love you guys so much and I am so thankful for you pulling me out of a dark place and showing me what real friendship is*
I also hated cliques, so that didn’t help the fact either. In college, it has been much different. I guess it might be due to the fact that a group mentality is a necessity for college survival because not one single person has the same schedule and your meal partner options have to be super broad or else your eating alone (my biggest fear lets be real). It is amazing to think that the people I met and got close with at a pizza party “comedy” show about alcohol consumption are still my best friends at school. It has broken my stigma about group friendships. I have learned to not just rely on one person. I have finally found a group of people that I can tolerate all at the same time for an extended period of time (even though we are all super loud in OUR room and get yelled at by my RA). If it wasn’t for my friends, you can bet your bottom dollar (that’s cringe just reading that) that I would not be going back after this semester.
Another thing that I became aware of within my first semester of college was my potential as a student and an individual. The class I grew up in was so talented and well-rounded. Finishing in the top 5% of my graduating class was so rewarding considering several of my classmates in the top percentage grew up with me from kindergarten. I was always being challenged and pushed further, which I am so grateful for. The class of 2018 taught me how to work hard and to never slack off. I always knew my potential as a student, but because I was among some of the smartest individuals I had ever met, I didn’t realize how hard I worked as an individual. This may not make sense, so just try to follow along. Growing up, I was always mixed in with the smart kids. I never felt like I stood out in any way. I was smart. I got good grades. I understood things. But so did the other 15 kids in my group. I didn’t have a particular subject I stood out in. I always just blended in. Coming into college, I was really nervous about establishing my potential and position as a student. From my first conference with my seminar teacher, I knew this wasn’t going to be as hard as I thought. She reassured me that I was beyond capable of college-level work and that my writing was excellent for my age. This was so reassuring and made that fear disappear.
It wasn’t until my graphic design class until I really felt that reassurance I didn’t even know I was looking for. My absolute best friend in the entire world is the QUEEN of all things artsy and aesthetically pleasing. As cheesy as it may sound, I have always looked up to her for that. Her creative nature is so inspiring. With that being said, I constantly found that I was comparing myself to her in the most selfless way possible. As someone who is wanting to enter into a creative field, I acknowledged that I did not have the artistic abilities of my best friend, but I knew what it took to get there. Being in an upper-level graphic design course during my first semester of college is what took me there. I was so skeptical about taking the class in the first place because I always saw myself as second best because my brain just isn’t wired in the same way as “artsy” people. When I received my first grade on a project I had stayed up late to finish two nights in a row, I had to take a step back. How could I have possibly scored this high as a first-semester freshman with no prior knowledge of design? How could I - a non “artsy” person - have possibly done my first assignment correct? When I saw I got the highest grade in the class, a light bulb went off. This is where I was meant to be, despite my prior comparison. When the entire class, in front of each other, got critiqued on the board, my heart pounded as it had never before. I was so afraid of criticism in something that I was excited about. To my surprise, I was the only one in the class who didn’t have to completely redo the project. For once in my life, I felt like I was capable of doing what I was passionate about. I was able to take constructive criticism and learned to love the class I considered dropping in the first week. This feeling of capability was reinforced when I received an email from the marketing department regarding a social media internship strictly because people were noticing how hard I had been working on my personal social media. I finally realized that I can do this and that what I am doing isn’t going unnoticed. It felt GOOD. It felt good to know that something I considered a hobby could be turned into a career and that people other than my family members were able to see that.
Going along with finding my potential, the first semester of college taught me to prioritize things other than academics (sorry mom and dad lol). I ended the semester with a 4.0…so I think it is okay to talk about this. The first couple months of school, I found myself only worrying about school. I would plan out times to study, work on homework, and how to get ahead on assignments. It is so easy to get into this routine when you are literally living at your school. It became so easy for me to just do schoolwork all the time. While this was very important, I realized something was missing. I felt like I was just existing (dramatic, I know). I was going through my weeks on repeat and hating it. I didn't look forward to any certain part of my day and I hated Tuesdays. I was not taking care of myself at all. I was only doing things I HAD to do, nothing that I WANTED to do. So, in typical millennial fashion, I took to Pinterest. I needed to get out of this funk. I realized that I never had focused on self-care before college, but I didn’t really need to. I had a healthy balance in my life. My college life, however, was not balanced….at ALL. I started by scheduling time away from my phone. In looking at my “screen time” feature on my phone, I realized that I was spending way too much time aimlessly scrolling. By taking time away from my phone, I was able to establish a night routine that included self-tanning, sleepy time tea, and reflection. While this is still something I am working on, I believe it has significantly changed my attitude towards the day. I have a relaxing evening to look forward to, so I work harder during the day. Another thing I started to prioritize and I am still working on is doing things I like. When I came to school, within the first week I had several people tell me how much they loved my channel and my blog. Upon looking at my analytics, I realized the potential I had online that I was not acting on. All of this stuff that makes me feel good and express myself was being put on the back burner. It took a long talk in the coffee shop with one of my talented friends to realize this aspect was missing in my life. I realized that by putting these outlets on the back burner, I was limiting myself. I wasn’t allowing myself to be expressive and creative - things that I love. I am happiest when I am creating. It took a while to realize it, but once I realized that my life didn’t have to revolve around school, I became a lot happier and passionate about things that I love.
Altogether, my first semester was a rollercoaster - one that I am so thankful for but so glad its over. Moving forward, I know my worth and what I am capable of. I know who is there for me, and I know how important it is to take care of myself. I am looking forward to a productive spring semester and changes that are ahead of me. As always, thank you for all of the love and support. It is because of you that I do this, and I am able to create.
“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
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